I was a pickleball catfish. You know, the kind of person who stretches the truth online, whether it’s looks, age, or job. In my case? My DUPR.

DUPR is a funny thing, especially when you’ve never actually stepped into a rating clinic at your local court. It creates this slightly inflated sense of self. You play with the intermediate group, hold your own, and suddenly you’re labeling yourself somewhere between a 3.5 and 4.0. If anyone asks, you lean 3.5 to stay humble. But deep down? You’re convinced you’ve already crossed into 4.0 territory comfortably.

And that’s exactly what I said when someone asked if I play pickleball. Of course I do, but I’m not about to call myself a pro. Instead, I go with something like, “I’ve got a wicked forehand, and my serve is starting to become a real weapon.”

And just like that, I catfished them.

The guy asking about my DUPR? Clearly shopping for a mixed partner. And honestly… who wouldn’t pick me? I’m consistently the best dressed player on the court, my cellys are elite, and the one-liners never miss.

I might not be everything my DUPR suggests, but I’ll be the best teammate you’ve ever had.

“I don’t know my DUPR, but I play on the intermediate courts,” I told him.

“Oh, so you’re probably a 3.5, 4.0?” he replied with so much confidence that I almost believed him.

“Well, don’t call me Ben Johns or anything, but I can hang,” I said.

“You mean Anna Leigh Waters,” he mentioned.

Okay. So, he knows ball.

“We should go hit sometime. I’m looking for a mixed partner,” he confirmed.

Whoop there it is.

“That’d be great,” and after exchanging contact information, I wondered if he reads pickleball.com and I’ll soon out myself as a complete and utter fraud.

He explained he’s a 4.5, 5.0. And if he’s not lying about his DUPR like I am, then I’m in a pickle (pun intended).

But we’re playing mixed doubles. Mixed is a completely different game than gender doubles. As the man in the partnership, he's supposed to take up 90% of the court anyway. So does it really matter if I’m nowhere near his level?

Who am I kidding? Of course it will. I’ve watched enough pickleball to know that I’ll absolutely get targeted by our opponents so aggressively that I’ll just step off to the side and have him basically play singles. The embodiment of that one viral point of Grayson Goldin playing mixed.

I am simply there to get out of the way.

But seriously, where’s the line? Everyone says to play up if you want to improve, but this feels like way up. If he’s as good as he says he is, and I’m not as good as he thinks I am, this has disaster written all over it.

So instead of meeting up to hit, I’m considering a different strategy: disappear. Six months off the grid, drilling every day, quietly working my way up to a real 4.0 so the lie doesn’t look quite so obvious.

I think I just pitched an episode of Catfish. Only instead of lying about my looks, I’m lying about my two-handed backhand.

Anyway, gotta go drill.

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